Posted by Kaapuikinaea on October 8, 2009 at 7:52am
A word I've never heard until I moved to California & was in my early 20s was disrespect. Although I understood the word, it just seemed odd that components of words that we know (i.e. prefixes & suffixes) can be use to create a new word, in this case DIS + RESPECT.For us, we talk about respect all the time. Respect your elders/kupuna, respect your parents, respect your older siblings, bettah have respect. Respect, respect, respect! That's all we hear, that is all we know that is all we are taught.A month ago when my roommate & I argued, he said I was being disrespectful about 2 or 3 times. What he meant was that I did something wrong that he felt it was offensive, hence I had no regard for him, therefore I was being disrespectful.But think about it. Here we are, being inundated (sp?) on how we should show respect at all times, for na Haole, it's different. They don't always show respect, not even to their elders or elders in general. Look at the recent case with DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER when he wanted to go at it with a Native American elder.That's because we don't focus on individualism so much. It's all about the 'ohana, all about the community in general. In that type of situation, you have to show respect and be mindful of others. In a Haole's concept, so much focus is on bettering oneself and sometimes it involves having connections, knowing the right people who could help you in achieving your goal, whatever that is. That is individualism, the betterment for oneself.For Hawaiians, or locals in general, the concept of not having respect is unthinkinkable. For Haoles, it's not that they are the opposite & show disrespect, but that they don't emphasize showing respect, having respect to the older people. They don't have the type of values that we do how we cherish our kupuna & look to them for knowledge. For them, the elders are a pain, a nuisance, a burden to some. In that sense, they have no respect, not being disrespectful, but just they lack it in general.So when my roommate continued to say I was being disrespectful, he didn't mean I lacked respect, but rather I did something wrong. To us, having respect is more than not doing something wrong. It involves being caring, mindful, appreciative, reverance and a whole other list of things that I'm sure any of you could name. It's all about action, or more specifically showing you have respect. Unlike the Haole, wait till something goes wrong and attribute it to being disrespectful. That's not what it is.
Stephanie...anyone who even mentions "control freak" probably has some type of control issue as well. In other words, they like to control the & don't like others taking control like they normally would.
KALANI: I think your roomie is a control freak on a manic level but likes chaos equating it to some kind of ill bonding...lol And yes you are in control of what you can do - more power to you I see your intentions as being genuinely (yet irritating cuz I would be lol) respectful to him.
ULULANI: lol I can never say I didn't "try" but wouldn't recommend having roommates if one loves their privacy and likes things to be in an orderly fashion for "stability of sanity" LOL
KAUWILA: lol to that pastor who picked on you on the subject of "uncivilized mating". I know he believes in Adam and Eve and procreation....aren't we then all related to Adam and Eve? LOL
I understand what you are saying Kalani, I try my best to respect my elders however I have been in the war zone and in moral misconduct with elders, where I've witness yes our own people stealing money or allowing stolen money to happen. . .yes old people!!!!not to mention an elder who repeatly told me that our ancestors gave into immortal acts of sibling mating that is why we are basically "screwed up" with diseases and illness. Yes this was a Hawaiian pastor who told me this, oh did I mention that he said that I was going to die because of our ancestors "uncivilized mating. . ." I could not stand this nonsense. I understand that our culture emphasizes on respect and we practice it daily however sometimes even older people whom I wouldn't consider kupuna are told that they are dumb their whole life end up giving us the most horrible advice.
Yeah, that same situation when I brought up the Haole concept & hooponopono, doing vs. talking, etc. Funny you mention strugglee or a control issue which is what he accused me of being, a control freak he said. Yet I told him how can that be when I stopped making breakfast b/c he complained, was willing to give up the privacy of my room for him, now look at who's the control freak? It would seem he is in control which my friend did ask me, "why do you let him run all over you?" But then again, I am controlling the situation & doing those things...so, maybe I am the control freak? LOL
Sounds like he should have used the words: "I feel before his choice of words"; and be that it should have been a better word like "displaced", "removed", "negated", etc. It was his feelings; had nothing to do with you but himself as if he was voicing outloud the change as I recall you mentioned somewhat what it was all about. So he didn't like the change even though your intention was to first hand "fix the darn problem he was having" lol. I guess you are to read minds. If you have that skill Kalani, can you teach me? lol Human behavior is a difficult thing to master in "understanding" because of perspectives.
It sounds more like a struggle or a control issue for "what does it really matter when your intention was "hey I'll fix it" thinking ahh...this should make everyone feel better? We can't and should not ever be master or slave of anyone's feelings or thinking. But sometimes it's that good friend or roommate that can lay it all out in it's entirety and hands up in the air to say, "well that's your thinking and excuse me for it was not my intention to the outcome your feeling." Looking dead on for the lights to go on when you turn on "the breaker switch" lol. I had a roommate once for just one month. She convinced me we would be good roomies. I said okay because I was okay with me - instead she played me left me w/a higher 2bedroom rate because she was uncomfortable w/her boyfriend being a friend to me - insecurities...those kind of roommates are crazy to live with because I don't go there. So I kept the place for 1 year then moved into a house along a stream in a very nice neighborhood. Ever since my one month roomie I have never had a roommate when I was single - I don't like drama and I can live without it and have my privacy. NOTE: I thought she was a safe roomie because she came from family w/old money from California and known worldwide . My assumption she was stable and safe to go in w/a contract - WRONG...we have not been friends since then and last I heard she was switchin' roommates like crazy. Now that I think about it, I think she was manic in some instances...lol
Mahalo for your manao too. I remember hearing on the Aresenio Hall show DISS or DISSING which they say was from the word DISrespect, so that seems logical.
You're right about the extended family. Hardly anyone has that nowadays. Which could lead to my next post/blog if I really didn't touch on it before in the past (Which I think I have) about the concept of ADOPTION vs. HANAI, and how even Hawaiians today ignore the hanai from the past.
The slang term "disrespect" originally arose from urban black communities as a direct challenge to what we are talking about here. The phrase, "Are you disrespecting me?" is a highly charged statement and can start a fight, precisely because family relationships in urban black communities are also considered the most valuable sustaining force, not money or personal gain.
The generational structure we are talking about here is really important for ANY family, Hawaiian, Haole, Filipino, Japanese, Bavarian... whenever there is a large EXTENDED family in existence. Using my family as an example, we have about 200 cousins and 5 generations in relationship with one another. When organizing this kind of family, in order for everyone to get along, the Elders are needed, cherished, and respected.
The problem of disrespect comes from the relatively recent concept of the NUCLEAR family: that is, mommy, daddy and baby, and maybe you see grandma on the weekends but she's really not part of your life. The nuclear family is pitted against society to survive, with family resources severed (i.e. uncle moves to Chicago, daddy has to move the family somewhere else because of his job and there's no support on the other end.) Then this family is required to send their kids to school, so the children are separated from the family. AND, on top of it all, mom and dad probably both have to work just to pay the bills, so who has the time, energy, or money to take care of grandma and her medical bills, even if it tears them apart not to do so?
Is this sounding familiar to anyone? That's right, over the past few generations, the 'American ideal' of the successful nuclear family has tried to impose itself on Hawai'i and on other cultures that maintain extended family as their primary means of relationship and survival. As one kumu recently put it to me, it is only within the last generation or so that Hawaiian children have only 2 makua, the biological parents, and everyone else is 'auntie' and 'uncle'. So we need to struggle nowadays just to keep our extended families functioning in the ways that bring benefit to the 'ohana. In my family, we are slowly losing the struggle as time goes on.
And, in answer to Kalani, some of us like to help because the moment arises to do so. When members of my lomi 'ohana see someone in physical pain and we know that in 15-30 minutes that person could potentially walk away pain-free, we offer to help. It's up to that person to accept or not. And if that person does, there is no expectation of return.
We should consider: what has the nuclear family model in a monopolized capitalist society done to our relationships?
Mahalo no kou manao. You know, the thing about Haoles, those that like to help, sometimes you have to question their motives. If they help, it should be to help b/c they feel it should be done, not b/c they want to look like they're the hero or feel sorry for us. I've discussed this issue w/ other indigenous people & how for most of the time if not all of the time, we never, ever ask for their help. They just impose their help on us and in return, it's what you describe. How we're left w/...basically remnants & clean up the mess. Their mess. Then they try to take credit in any shape or form. Why? Because, going back to INDIVIDUALISM again. It's for their own benefit. Whereas we help b/c it helps out the entire community & it can function better that way.
"For them, the elders are a pain, a nuisance, a burden to some. In that sense, they have no respect, not being disrespectful, but just they lack it in general.
So when my roommate continued to say I was being disrespectful, he didn't mean I lacked respect, but rather I did something wrong. To us, having respect is more than not doing something wrong. It involves being caring, mindful, appreciative, reverance and a whole other list of things that I'm sure any of you could name. It's all about action, or more specifically showing you have respect. Unlike the Haole, wait till something goes wrong and attribute it to being disrespectful. That's not what it is. "
Mahalo, mahalo, mahalo
And an 'upset' comes from deep within and from the past. White people spend millions of dollars in seminars to communicate their denied past, planning, and projecting future based on their realization of disrespect.
We on the otherhand live respect 24/7 unconciously/ conciously.
The comprehensive interpretation of 24/7 needs to come from us not the status quo. We have never been status quo and we should not start now.
I loath the white women and mind you I have white children, so I'm being counter productive. I loath white women that get's into our Kanaka movement based on nationalism and they inturn white women drive their intent until they reach status quo. We, Kanaka women end up being their slaves and clean up the mess as they are leaving to go home to their society which is not ours. So, what do I cleanup, housless, drop outs, broken and raped young girls. All the resource monies are spent on the white women and we volunteer to clean up their mess. Why? We like it!
And when we step out of our 'liking it!" we considered disrespectful, defiant, and angry. Yes, I'm pissed off, not at the white women--but at our men, Kanaka men that is. I don't have the strength to do comprehensive interpretation in a gathering, I can only do this individualisticly--as in self masturbation!!!!!
Comprehensive interpretation is the big wave, are we going to wait for the white women and kanaka men to interpret whether we live or die, probably so. That's being respectful.
What's wrong with this behavior? It's 80% of our expected behavior. It's in our classrooms everyday. The evidence is in our faces, but in the risk assessments the data shows it's culture, parents/families and their growing up in community 'factors' that are at cause. At this point we are processing status quo.
The risk assessments measure disrespect, not "caring, mindful, appreciative, reverance and a whole other list of things that I'm sure any of you could name."
List is good, however, it is the comprehensive interpretation that is yours and mind to interprete. So, the questions is how?
Do we let the 'Bayonet Constitution' reach a point of commercial sponsorship (status quo) or do we do the comprehesive interpretation of that part of the past in our-- acting out. And take life out on the people we care about?
The wider question is how do we stand for our people and their universe? In a world of leaders that intend to distroy our people within this decade? And will implement this 'pinkville' after the Trilateral summint in 2010. Step by step go forward with this, "That's not what it is." Kaohi
Comments
ULULANI: lol I can never say I didn't "try" but wouldn't recommend having roommates if one loves their privacy and likes things to be in an orderly fashion for "stability of sanity" LOL
KAUWILA: lol to that pastor who picked on you on the subject of "uncivilized mating". I know he believes in Adam and Eve and procreation....aren't we then all related to Adam and Eve? LOL
Yeah, that same situation when I brought up the Haole concept & hooponopono, doing vs. talking, etc. Funny you mention strugglee or a control issue which is what he accused me of being, a control freak he said. Yet I told him how can that be when I stopped making breakfast b/c he complained, was willing to give up the privacy of my room for him, now look at who's the control freak? It would seem he is in control which my friend did ask me, "why do you let him run all over you?" But then again, I am controlling the situation & doing those things...so, maybe I am the control freak? LOL
It sounds more like a struggle or a control issue for "what does it really matter when your intention was "hey I'll fix it" thinking ahh...this should make everyone feel better? We can't and should not ever be master or slave of anyone's feelings or thinking. But sometimes it's that good friend or roommate that can lay it all out in it's entirety and hands up in the air to say, "well that's your thinking and excuse me for it was not my intention to the outcome your feeling." Looking dead on for the lights to go on when you turn on "the breaker switch" lol. I had a roommate once for just one month. She convinced me we would be good roomies. I said okay because I was okay with me - instead she played me left me w/a higher 2bedroom rate because she was uncomfortable w/her boyfriend being a friend to me - insecurities...those kind of roommates are crazy to live with because I don't go there. So I kept the place for 1 year then moved into a house along a stream in a very nice neighborhood. Ever since my one month roomie I have never had a roommate when I was single - I don't like drama and I can live without it and have my privacy. NOTE: I thought she was a safe roomie because she came from family w/old money from California and known worldwide . My assumption she was stable and safe to go in w/a contract - WRONG...we have not been friends since then and last I heard she was switchin' roommates like crazy. Now that I think about it, I think she was manic in some instances...lol
Mahalo for your manao too. I remember hearing on the Aresenio Hall show DISS or DISSING which they say was from the word DISrespect, so that seems logical.
You're right about the extended family. Hardly anyone has that nowadays. Which could lead to my next post/blog if I really didn't touch on it before in the past (Which I think I have) about the concept of ADOPTION vs. HANAI, and how even Hawaiians today ignore the hanai from the past.
The generational structure we are talking about here is really important for ANY family, Hawaiian, Haole, Filipino, Japanese, Bavarian... whenever there is a large EXTENDED family in existence. Using my family as an example, we have about 200 cousins and 5 generations in relationship with one another. When organizing this kind of family, in order for everyone to get along, the Elders are needed, cherished, and respected.
The problem of disrespect comes from the relatively recent concept of the NUCLEAR family: that is, mommy, daddy and baby, and maybe you see grandma on the weekends but she's really not part of your life. The nuclear family is pitted against society to survive, with family resources severed (i.e. uncle moves to Chicago, daddy has to move the family somewhere else because of his job and there's no support on the other end.) Then this family is required to send their kids to school, so the children are separated from the family. AND, on top of it all, mom and dad probably both have to work just to pay the bills, so who has the time, energy, or money to take care of grandma and her medical bills, even if it tears them apart not to do so?
Is this sounding familiar to anyone? That's right, over the past few generations, the 'American ideal' of the successful nuclear family has tried to impose itself on Hawai'i and on other cultures that maintain extended family as their primary means of relationship and survival. As one kumu recently put it to me, it is only within the last generation or so that Hawaiian children have only 2 makua, the biological parents, and everyone else is 'auntie' and 'uncle'. So we need to struggle nowadays just to keep our extended families functioning in the ways that bring benefit to the 'ohana. In my family, we are slowly losing the struggle as time goes on.
And, in answer to Kalani, some of us like to help because the moment arises to do so. When members of my lomi 'ohana see someone in physical pain and we know that in 15-30 minutes that person could potentially walk away pain-free, we offer to help. It's up to that person to accept or not. And if that person does, there is no expectation of return.
We should consider: what has the nuclear family model in a monopolized capitalist society done to our relationships?
Mahalo no kou manao. You know, the thing about Haoles, those that like to help, sometimes you have to question their motives. If they help, it should be to help b/c they feel it should be done, not b/c they want to look like they're the hero or feel sorry for us. I've discussed this issue w/ other indigenous people & how for most of the time if not all of the time, we never, ever ask for their help. They just impose their help on us and in return, it's what you describe. How we're left w/...basically remnants & clean up the mess. Their mess. Then they try to take credit in any shape or form. Why? Because, going back to INDIVIDUALISM again. It's for their own benefit. Whereas we help b/c it helps out the entire community & it can function better that way.
"For them, the elders are a pain, a nuisance, a burden to some. In that sense, they have no respect, not being disrespectful, but just they lack it in general.
So when my roommate continued to say I was being disrespectful, he didn't mean I lacked respect, but rather I did something wrong. To us, having respect is more than not doing something wrong. It involves being caring, mindful, appreciative, reverance and a whole other list of things that I'm sure any of you could name. It's all about action, or more specifically showing you have respect. Unlike the Haole, wait till something goes wrong and attribute it to being disrespectful. That's not what it is. "
Mahalo, mahalo, mahalo
And an 'upset' comes from deep within and from the past. White people spend millions of dollars in seminars to communicate their denied past, planning, and projecting future based on their realization of disrespect.
We on the otherhand live respect 24/7 unconciously/ conciously.
The comprehensive interpretation of 24/7 needs to come from us not the status quo. We have never been status quo and we should not start now.
I loath the white women and mind you I have white children, so I'm being counter productive. I loath white women that get's into our Kanaka movement based on nationalism and they inturn white women drive their intent until they reach status quo. We, Kanaka women end up being their slaves and clean up the mess as they are leaving to go home to their society which is not ours. So, what do I cleanup, housless, drop outs, broken and raped young girls. All the resource monies are spent on the white women and we volunteer to clean up their mess. Why? We like it!
And when we step out of our 'liking it!" we considered disrespectful, defiant, and angry. Yes, I'm pissed off, not at the white women--but at our men, Kanaka men that is. I don't have the strength to do comprehensive interpretation in a gathering, I can only do this individualisticly--as in self masturbation!!!!!
Comprehensive interpretation is the big wave, are we going to wait for the white women and kanaka men to interpret whether we live or die, probably so. That's being respectful.
What's wrong with this behavior? It's 80% of our expected behavior. It's in our classrooms everyday. The evidence is in our faces, but in the risk assessments the data shows it's culture, parents/families and their growing up in community 'factors' that are at cause. At this point we are processing status quo.
The risk assessments measure disrespect, not "caring, mindful, appreciative, reverance and a whole other list of things that I'm sure any of you could name."
List is good, however, it is the comprehensive interpretation that is yours and mind to interprete. So, the questions is how?
Do we let the 'Bayonet Constitution' reach a point of commercial sponsorship (status quo) or do we do the comprehesive interpretation of that part of the past in our-- acting out. And take life out on the people we care about?
The wider question is how do we stand for our people and their universe? In a world of leaders that intend to distroy our people within this decade? And will implement this 'pinkville' after the Trilateral summint in 2010. Step by step go forward with this, "That's not what it is." Kaohi