Are you smarter than a flight attendant in the United States? When did Hawaii secede from the United States?

In continuation of: “One French Fry short of a McDonalds Happy Meal”

As you can see from some of the questions that flight attendants are required to answer and pass, becoming a flight attendant in the United States doesn’t require too much intelligence or effort. So now, what happens to some of the “Ditz’s” after they have their weeping cry at the “Graduation Ceremony” and get out on the line?

Sometimes the worst critics and complaining of flight attendants, comes from the flight attendants themselves. Sometimes it’s personality issues, other conflicts can arise from work ethics or lack of, stupidity of your co-workers, jealousy, differences in labor issues and a variety of other reasons (and yes, unfortunately, sometime it is racial). It’s just like any company or work organization one works for, some people you get along with, others you don’t. You’re dealing with thousands of personalities with different likes and dislikes. It just gets exasperated when you’re in a sardine can, flying through the air and no where to escape, surrounded by passengers you hate, hating the company, hating the schedule, hating the pilots, hating the gate agents, hating your spouse, hating your partner, hating your kids, hating life and just being a miserable person.

When you’re a pilot especially on a long boring flight, as mentioned yesterday, we become the “sounding board” for the flight attendants. Some conversations are enjoyable and engaging. Many times, it’s about “what’s going on in the company”. There are times however, when you wonder if they’re going to kill each other in the passenger cabin. Bitch and moan, bitch and moan. The gossip among the flight attendants can be brutal and horrendous.

On occasions, when you know a flight attendant that you’ve flown with on many occasions, you’ll get the “heads up” on how “STUPID” one of their fellow flight attendants are. We’ve got two Hawaii stories with dumb flight attendants to share with you (the first one today and the other one next week).

1. When did Hawaii secede from the United States?

Some time back, we were flying the “Kona turn”. A Kona turn is when you take off from San Francisco in the morning, land in Kona, Hawaii on the Big Island and stay there a little over an hour, then fly right back to San Francisco. It’s basically, just unload the passengers in Kona, board the next batch of passengers and fly right back to San Francisco. It makes it for a rather long day for the flight crews, since you’re working both legs of the trip. The senior flight attendants really enjoy the “Turns” because it allows them to stay home a lot, but for the others, it’s a pain in the butt.

We’re about half way to Kona, with a mixed crew of flight attendants based all over the US, when one of the Hawaii based flight attendants I’ve flown for many years with (her husband also pilot flew with me in the USAF) “chimes” the cockpit. She tells me via the intercom that, “Einstein is coming up to the cockpit, so brace yourself…. laughingly”. I asked her to brief me, but laughingly, she just said, “You’ll figure it out.”

So into the cockpit comes this middle-aged flight attendant (looking at her ID number, she’s somewhat new to the company). She say’s she’s East Coast based, and this is her first time going the Hawaii (ever). She doesn’t know exactly where Kona is in reference to the Hawaiian Islands, so we pull out the map and show her. OK, nothing out of the ordinary, other than Honolulu, some people may not know that Kona is located on the Big Island of Hawaii (so I’m thinking to myself, I wonder what’s so funny when my friend said “brace yourself”). So we’re giving her the 2 cent map tour of the Big Island (Kilauea volcano etc). She tells us how disappointed she is that we’re only going to be in Kona for only 1 hour 20 minutes.

So then the “IDIOT BOMB” is unleashed and dropped on us….

Flight Attendant:  “Do you think there is any time to shop in the airport terminal after we clear Customs?”

(You can tell both of us (pilots), had to pause. HUH????????????)

Pilot: “Sorry missed what you said, what?”

Flight Attendant: “After we go through Customs and Immigration, how much time do we have, before we have to get back on board the plane and before the passenger start to board?”

Pilot: “You’re kidding right?”

Flight Attendant: “You mean there’s no time to even hit the airport shops?”

(She’s thinking that when I said, “you’re kidding”, she thought that it was silly for her to even ask if there was any time).

Pilot: “No …… there is no Customs and Immigration”

Flight Attendant: “You mean we can’t even get off the airplane?”

(HUH?????????)

Pilot: “No…….  Hawaii is PART OF THE UNITED STATES!”

(they do have agriculture inspection)

Flight Attendant: “Seriously ….  really?”

Pilot:  “Yeah…. Like the 50^th State, ever see the show Hawaii 5-0, Magnum PI”

Flight Attendant: “You mean I brought my Passport for nothing?” “I wanted to get it stamped. You know, I always wondered why they spoke good English on those Hawaiian television shows”.

(Holy CRAP!!!!! HOW STUPID ARE YOU???)

Pilot: “So yes, you’ll have a little time to go to the airport shops”

We were thinking that this was a joke being pulled on us from the flight attendants, but this “Ditz” was completely serious. She had “NO IDEA”, that Hawaii was part of the United States.

As soon as she leaves the cockpit, and we get the “chime” from the back. My friend is laughing her head off…… “Our airline hires only the best and brightest!” We (pilots) were completely, speaking of dumb….. “Dumb-struck”. My friend comes up the cockpit later and let’s us know that she’s absolutely speechless. She mentions to us, about what happened when the “Ditz” passed out the Hawaii Agriculture and Tourist Survey Forms to the passengers (it was laughable but sad at the same time).  The amazing part, this “Ditz” isn’t the only flight attendant this stupid….. some are even worse, as you will see.

Coming Monday: Continuation of, “Are you smarter than a flight attendant in the United States”?

Geography Lessons, where are we?

Can a flight attendant tell time?

Spatial relations, do you know difference between left or right?